Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Five White Trash Celebrity Restaurants Chain

Hold the Cristal – these celebrities are targeting Middle America, serving up wings by the bucketload and raking in millions.  Here are five superstar-owned restaurant chains that (perhaps unintentionally) put the rash in trash.

Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill
The design of this bar is proof that Toby Keith really loves Toby Keith.  With memorabilia from his boot-scootin’ career adorning every inch of the walls, it’s like dining in a fucking shrine.  It’s where hicks celebrate their anniversaries with fried bologna served by 18-year-olds in booty shorts.  They’re pretty proud of their Miracle Whip-based dressings.  With nine stores (we’re promised that there’s at least 100 pieces of Toby Keith mementos at every location), the country crooner is roping in the coin.  Oh, and the bar was named after his hit “I Love This Bar”.  Yep.

Jimmy Buffett’s Cheeseburger in Paradise
If you gave a four-year-old the license to a bar, they’d call it ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’.  The burgers are apparently awesome (and the 100oz Beer Tubes can’t suck) but it doesn’t dilute the fact that the place is downright scary; it’s where multi-coloured holiday umbrellas went to die.  If you can’t make it over to the U.S.A in the near future – don’t fear, because Jimmy Buffett has a Margaritaville in Sydney's Harbourside Shopping Centre.  It puts the ass in classy.


Donnie and Mark Wahlberg's Wahlburgers

Boston’s baddest brothers fought hard for Wahlburgers name, striking a deal (read: beat down) to use it for their Massachusetts burger joint, when it was already in operation.  I’m hoping they pay their staff properly because serving hundreds of drunk Bostonians booming “Gimme mah fahking burgahs” after a Red Sox loss would be hell.  Everything is Wahl-themed, even if it’s painfully awkward – wahlcoction anyone?  To triple to tack factor, A&E are making a reality show about the place, because that’s exactly what you want in your face mid-burger; a giant TV camera.  

Ludacris' Chicken N Beer
Since 2008 the Grammy winner and quasi-actor opened Straits Atlanta, a Singaporean restaurant because, you know, Ludacris is synonymous with Asian cuisine.  The venue had a decent run before closing its doors in 2012, making way for his new venture: Chicken N Beer (also the name of his third studio album, duh).  The restaurant hasn’t opened yet but has already received the white trash stamp of approval: it will be inside Hartsfield-Jackson Airport where you can tuck in to fried chicken while enjoying the docile beat of Ludacris’ “Move bitch”.

Pete Wentz, Angels & Kings

The style of this bar co-owned by several musicians isn’t so white trash but it’s definitely a grubby operation.  In 2012, the Chicago venue was temporarily closed down for serving alcohol to minors three times (suspected guests of gentleman Wentz), and in 2013 health inspectors found food improperly stored  and a “discoloration and a slimy substance” in the ice machine.  Paris Hilton is also an investor, so that wouldn’t be helping the reputation.  It is part-Goth, part-teen angst, 100% skanky. 

Would you sink your teeth in to a Jolly Wahly Burger?  Or slug back a Garnimal is a hot pink tubbler at one of Buffet's bars?  What's you favourite white trash haunt?  Confess on Twitter!



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